Classroom English I

This first post contains phrases and vocabulary for classroom English, specifically for communicating with an English speaking Assistant Language Teacher (ALT). It assumes a basic level of English competence.

1. Please pass out the ___A___.
A: handouts, papers, homework, tests, materials

2. Please collect the ___A___.
A: handouts, papers, homework, tests, materials

3. Please read the ___A___ (___B___)
A: sentence, paragraph, page, directions, example, dialogue, story
B: out loud, to the class, to these students

4. Please help them with ___A___.
A: their pronunciation, the activity, the assignment, the vocabulary

5. Have the students ___A___.
A: do this, open their books to page 46, work in their workbooks, work in groups, work independently, repeat after you, form groups of three, write the answers on the board

6. Please ask them to ___A___.
A: answer your questions in English, practice the dialogue, read aloud, use their dictionaries, pay attention, sit down

7. Walk around the room and ___A____.
A: check their work, answer questions, keep the students on task, make sure everyone understands the instructions

8. I want the students to ___A___.
A: complete the test in 10 minutes, start the next exercise now, learn this vocabulary, review the grammar lesson, repeat after you, memorize the dialogue, write the answers on the board, ask each other questions.

9. The point of this exercise if for the students to improve their ___A___.
A: spelling, pronunciation, vocabulary, understanding of grammar, reading abilities, comprehension, listening skills, speaking skills.

10. I would like you to ___A___.
A: give a short speech, prepare some examples, make copies of the materials, brainstorm ideas for next week's lesson

11. The students will need to ___A___.
A: complete the sentences by filling in the blanks, choose the right answer, select one of the following words to complete the sentence, use the right verb form, correct the spelling and punctuation, underline the adjectives, translate the passage, read the paragraph out loud.


NEW!
Additional example sentences from our class.

Please check your answer in the back of the book.
Please check your answer in your workbook.
Please check your answers with a neighbor.
Please check the answers with your partner.
Please trade worksheets with your partner and check the answers.
Please trade worksheets with a neighbor
Please trade worksheets with another student.
Have the students repeat each sentence after you.
Please read each sentence twice.
Please read each sentence to the class twice. Then have the students repeat it after you.
Please read each sentence twice. Then have them repeat after you.
I'd like you to make a worksheet for the class.
I'd like you to create an activity for this topic.
I'd like you make a worksheet for this vocabulary.
I'd like you to create a 20 minute activity about this topic.
I'd like you make some example sentences for this grammar lesson.
Please conjugate the verbs.

Pochos and Gringas

Yesterday I saw some pochos on the beach, some guys that looked like they'd been raised in the States. Maybe it was the style of their tats or their Angels caps. Or the fact that they were playing American football. But they sure looked Mexican-American to me, not Mexican. They certainly weren't locals. But I was in the mood for a little English chit-chattery, so, when I noticed their wives/girlfriends/lady escorts sitting nearby on a blanket I decided to wander over with my adorable baby and try to make friendly.

I'm a little blind, though, so it wasn't until we were within a few feet of the misses that I realized they were giving me some pretty snobby looks. So, Hanix and I toddled over to the surf instead and played the always amusing game of catching Hanix before he was pulled out to sea. And that was that.
Hernan apparently observed the whole scene from where he was in the ocean. He's not blind like me. When he came back to the beach he told me that probably they were looking at me all bitchy because everyone knows that gringas who are with Mexican men either already had kids by someone else, have or had a substance abuse problem, are on the heavy side, or are just psycho crazy somehow. They were probably trying to figure out which one I am.

For real? I'd never heard that before.

Oh, yeah! he said, everyone knows that! Kids by another man, drug problem, extra chubby, or crazy as all hell.

So which one am I? Let's examine the facts. I didn't have any kids for the first six or seven years I was with my husband, and the one I've got now is most definitely his. I'm not a user, and alcohol isn't a problem. Got that? I don't have a problem with alcohol. I could quit at any time. Wait, actually, that's not even a joke. I did quit when I found out I was knocked up, and abstained for over a year. I think that clears me of substance abuse. As for weight, I was going to suggest I resemble Skeletor, until I googled him and was reminded that actually, for a skeleton, Skeletor was extraordinarily ripped. So, that doesn't fit. Shall we just leave off with "scrawny" and move on?



So, I can deduce that I'm a crazy bitch.

Sweet.

I shared my conclusion with Hernan, and he just replied "No, baby, you're great. You're the best," which kind of confirmed it, because why else would he try to placate me so quickly?

Has anyone else heard this before? Hernan assures me it's not his opinion, but that it's an extremely common assumption. All you white women with Mexican men - have you ever heard this? Do you fit the stereotype? I think it only applies to white American women with Mexican men, but I'm not an expert on this.

By the way, I didn't know what a pocho was, either. Hernan supplied the term. That makes it two stereotypes I learned in one day. Yay!

Looking Up In Sayulita

It turns out I like it a hell of a lot more here in Sayulita than in San Juan. Here are some reasons why.

1. Where we are living here doesn’t eternally smell like the raw sewage that runs past the house in San Juan.
2. Instead of the cockroach army pooping all over me baby’s toys, we have adorable geckos, which he goes in search of every evening, to snap at and call “ee-oooo!”
3. We don’t have to live according to the schedule and needs of my husband’s family, who we were living with before. What I do here is not subject to scrutiny and commentary. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, which is why I enjoyed nachos for dinner, straight out of the nacho pot I made them in. With beer.
4. Hernan has time for me again. It’s nice to remember why the fuck I’m living in Mexico - oh yeah, because of this guy.
5. And he has time for Hanix. He has spent more time caring for Hanix in the last few weeks than in the last six months.
6. The beach. The ocean. There are places to walk that don’t smell like sewer. When I leave the house people don’t stare at me, like in San Juan. I CAN leave the house. I enjoy it again.
7. We no longer live on a dusty highway across from the beer store. We no longer go to sleep lulled by the sound of alcoholics telling stories, breaking bottles, and getting into fights. We no longer awake to the sound of trucks breaking with their motors as they enter town. We don’t have neighbors with a garbage heap and rats and dogs that never stop barking because they’re tied up 24 hours a day in one spot. We don’t get interrupted at 11:30 at night because someone wants my husband to cut his hair, or lend him tools, or fix his car, or whatever, even though we had just told everyone downstairs that we were going to bed and we wanted to be alone, so good night already, thank you very much.
8. It’s green everywhere and jungly, and the town has many trees.
9. We regularly see men and women socializing together.
10. We haven’t seen a single fight or heard a single gunshot.

Things I miss:
1. My in-laws. I love having our own house, but it would be fun to be able to visit. Actually, they all came out a week ago to visit. It was fun. I wish they lived a little closer. Just, you know, not that close.
2. Avocados, that my father-in-law brought home by the bag-full from the ranch where he works.
3. It’s far more expensive here. I miss being able to stretch 50 pesos over a few days.

Also, we went to four places before we found somewhere that would change money with a Mexican passport. All the banks down here wanted a foreign passport. Hernan about flipped out on them, repeating that he IS Mexican, but they wouldn’t accept his passport.

Also, also, I got a really painful ear infection + deafness, and after five days of sweating it out hoping it would heal on it own so we wouldn’t have to spend any more money, which I have been made to understand is not the correct course of action to take with these kinds of matters, I caved. We don’t have insurance, but have been going to private consultorios when the need has arisen. Visits usually cost us 200 to 400 pesos. This guy, after TEN minutes, charged me 900 (NINE HUNDRED!) pesos, plus another 100 for some ear drops. I nearly broke down crying, because that was, really, all the money we had just changed and what we were planning on using for food and everything for the next few weeks. So now, we’ll be eating beans with beans, and I’ll be washing our laundry by hand on the scrub board sink thing because we don’t have a machine and can’t afford the laundromat anymore. Boo.

Cool about the visit, though, was that he “cleaned” my ears by shooting water into them and out came, like, Amelia Earhart and ten kilos of earwax. It was so cool. Apparently I have small ear canals and they become clogged quite easily. Now you know.

When I got swimmer’s ear (also in Mexico) five years ago, the doctor in Jocotepec told me to dig the wax out myself using a hair pin. Really. Yeah, that’s what he wanted me to do. Quack.

The bad thing is that after three days of not-so-magic ear drops, my ear still hurts and now I’m going to have to go back and beg him to fix me for a blow job or something, because we have no more money. Mom, totally just kidding about that, by the way.

Also, also, also, we went to Puerto Vallarta today, just to see what it’s like. And it kind of sucks. Big hotels, pushy vendors. Not so great. Sayulita has better beaches and a lot more trees.

And finally, I’d like to report that things are good.

Party on.

Pests And The Move To Sayulita

Mexico’s got a lot of critters. We had our share in San Juan, and we’ve still got critters here in Sayulita. It’s important, however, to distinguish between particular critter varieties, as some are more obnoxious than others. Here for you, then, I present an easy guide to the most common creatures that have shared my home in San Juan and Sayulita.

San Juan Critters

Ants: In San Juan we always had ants. They lived in the kitchen and formed one trail from the electrical outlet to the sink. They pretty much stuck to this trail, unless I was so negligent as to leave cut fruit on the counter. Because the ants stayed within their predictable trail, I was satisfied to let them be. That is, they were annoying, but just thirsty. Also, they were tiny. Really, really small. And I have bad vision, so I could almost pretend they weren’t there. They didn’t get into my food much, they didn’t wander around anywhere, they left no trails, they harbored no infectious diseases, and they were very small. I did sometimes have to watch out for them, though, while kneading dough on the counter. No ant pizza for me.
Obnoxious Rating: 4

Flies: For some reason we had a crap ton of flies in San Juan. They weren’t too terrible year ‘round, but always in the late spring they suddenly would begin to show up by the scores. We had more trouble with them downstairs than in our casita (where we had window screens), but since we ate nearly all our meals downstairs, we usually had them around. Flies are gross, because they land on your food after probably having spent the morning on a pile of poop or a dog carcass. They might carry some kind of disease, or at the very least cooties. They lay eggs which hatch into larva, which most definitely are nasty. Also, they land on people, which is irritating, and the buzz they make is annoying. When we shoo them away they stubbornly settle right back where they were. Also, they are annoying because my husband has to kill as many as he can before he sits down to eat, and waiting for him tries my patience.
Obnoxious Rating: 6

Scorpions: We haven’t had too many of these show up in our house in San Juan, but we have had a few. Because they are infrequent visitors, I don’t mind them as much. Also, they don’t gross me out. I’m pretty sure they’re not after my food and have no intentions of taking up residence in my tea box. However, I am nearly positive that they could kill me if I were to step on one inadvertently (I would never step on one advertently, it goes without saying.) My in-laws assure me that I wouldn’t die from a scorpion strike, but I know they’re wrong. Perhaps the common person would not die, but I would. Those tiny critters are little death machines. It is always my husband’s job to get rid of them.
Obnoxious Rating: 6

Rats and Mice: Rats and mice are gross. I don’t care if you had one for a pet when you were in middle school. They’re pests. They’re nasty. They chew too much, and poop a lot, and when I held your stupid mouse that one time it peed all over me. They’re not clean. They live in garbage. More specifically, they live in my neighbors’ garbage heap, and then come waltzing in our door. We never had them upstairs in my casita, but we had plenty downstairs and out in the yard. They will go after your food. They will take up residence in your home. They will carry fleas that harbor the bubonic plague. In their defense, they have distinguishable faces and fur. This makes them less yucky than most non-mammalian critters. They should really do something about those tails, though. Also bad about them is that they will surprise you. I don’t care for rat surprises.
Obnoxious Rating: 7

Mosquitoes: Mosquitos are obnoxious for two reasons: the itching and the buzzing. Mosquitos were a constant presence downstairs at our old house. Daytime. Nighttime. They were always there. The welts they leave are mildly irritating, but let's be honest: my legs aren't that pretty to being with, so a dozen or two bites all over doesn't matter much. No, it's the itching that's terrible. I wouldn't mind sharing a little blood here and there, because I have plenty, but why do they have to be such bitches about it and leave me all itchy? Also, their habit of buzzing in my ears at night is really obnoxious. I suppose that also troubling is their ability to spread malaria and dengue fever. We have had some outbreaks of the dengue around here.
Obnoxious Rating: 7

Cockroaches: Cockroaches are nasty, faceless, antennae-y, gross, horrible little creatures. They’re even more awful than earwigs. They have the one-two punch of being both disgusting and scary. Also, they surprise me. A Lot. They take up residence in my home. They eat my food. They are capable of both high-speed scurrying (unnerving) and flying (terrifying). They leave behind cockroach poop. They’re worse than rats because they can live anywhere, like inside my appliances, and they will lay in wait for me in my tea box. They surely carry a plethora of diseases. They make scurrying sounds. They could be anywhere! On the ceiling, in my shoe, hiding behind the shower curtain. They’re nasty. They’re terrible. They have sinister intentions. I hate them.
Obnoxious Rating: 10


Sayulita Pests

Ants: The ants here aren’t omnipresent, like the ones that we had in San Juan, but they are a tad bigger. Still small, but I can’t pretend not to see them by squinting. I don’t notice them much until a crumb of food falls on the floor, which actually is pretty common with my baby around. Within minutes we’ll see about sixty of the little tykes trying to take down the food morsel. I admire their speed. I would prefer it, though, if they didn’t hang around so much. It makes it a challenge to be lazy about cleaning up after meals.
Obnoxious Rating: 3

Geckos: That’s right, our new house is teeming with geckos. They live in the nooks and crannies of the walls and ceiling, and in the palapa roof, but never bother me down here where I live, on the floor, in my bed, on the kitchen counters. They don’t go after my food, but instead eat insects. They eat the other annoying pests! They’re like little, adorable super heroes! They also make cute little clicks and songs at night. They have faces. They have cute lizard tails instead of nasty rat tails. My son enjoys watching them, and will follow them without outstretched fingers. They’re cutes-matoots.
Obnoxious Rating: 0

Mosquitoes: We have mosquitoes here, too. Actually our Sayulita house is even more "open" than our San Juan house. It's just a "come on in!" house, I suppose. So of course we have mosquitoes. And yet, they haven't been too much of a pain so far. They're maybe worse than we had them in our casita upstairs, but not as bad as we had them downstairs in my in-laws' place. So, they're about the same.
Obnoxious Rating: 7

Mysterious Animal: Last night we were visited by a mysterious critter. In came into the house through the gap under the back door at around five A.M. It was black and stripy, and at first Hernan thought it was a skunk. It didn’t have a big bushy tail, though, and was much smaller. It had come in and was making a cute sniffling noise, when we surprised it by turning on the light. It scampered up the stairs and out the door and we haven’t seen it since. I asked Hernan if he was sure it wasn’t a rat, and he said, “No, it was cute!” He has since told me about how cute it was three more times. We’ll see whether it returns, and if so whether it gets into any trouble. For now, though, we refer to it as our “cute visitor”. Still, five A.M. was a little early.
Obnoxious Rating: 2



San Juan Total: 40
Sayulita Total: 12

Clearly, the Sayulita total could increase if we discover more pests or if Mysterious Animal starts to cause trouble. Like if he climbs onto a chair and gets into my gin in the freezer. I won't be pleased. Though, then again, that would be pretty resourceful of the little guy, and probably pretty darn cute, so I might forgive him. Unless he's a mean drunk. Or if he doesn't leave me any. So, my point is that these numbers could change. Still, I think you'll agree that Sayulita is in the clear lead.

If we expanded the category from "household pests" to "animals we encounter in various ways", Sayulita would have an ever bigger lead, since we hear no roosters, hardly any barking dogs, and the woman with the hyena laugh stayed behind in San Juan. Also, Sayulita would get a few bonus points for the cute song birds we have outside our house and (ready for this?!) the iguanas who live in the tree across the street! We are neighbors with iguanas! We can watch them crawling around in the tree!

I'm pleased.

Hey Water, Your Mom Is Ugly!

It's not like we didn't know the rainy season was upon us. Just yesterday I told Hernan that we needed to do a few things to prepare for the next big storm. We needed to reseal the roof over the kitchen, move things in from the living room (which is essentially out of doors), move the couches away from the canvas "walls", figure out a way to prevent water from coming in through the somewhat open window in the bedroom... I've said it before, our house isn't really sealed off from outside so much. We've got cracks and holes and big gaping spaces everywhere. It's why my house fills with dust every day during the dry season and why last night at about 2:00 it became a swimming pool.

The storm was really quite fantastic. There was thunder and lightening and it was raining so hard it felt like a water siege, like someone had done something to really piss water off and now water was getting its revenge. The high winds made me think one of the tiles from the roof was bound to blow off and smack me upside the head, and the overall mood was enhanced by the light show going on across the street, where a transformer was shooting off sparks like one of the toros they have in the plaza during the festivities.

Of course, we didn't do those things on the list. Hernan got "distracted" by some buddies, and I didn't think I should have to do all the work if he wasn't going to. So, I guess I'm saying we kind of deserved what we got.

At about two in the morning I woke up to the sound of torrential rain and thought, "What a lovely sound". A few moments later I thought, "Shit! My laptop!" and leaped out of bed and ran into the living room, dragging Hernan with me.

The casualties were numerous: some books, papers, the clean laundry, a chocolate bar, blankets, shoes. Pretty much every last thing in the living room was soaked. My laptop, though, I rescued just in time and is safe and dry.

The kitchen, too, was hit. One of the walls leaks. The bedroom was almost as bad as the living room because of our new window that doesn't really close all the way. It was a scramble of moving things and throwing towels around and doing whatever we could think of to minimize the soakage.

And the critters were trying to escape the storm, too. There were crickets on the walls, a cockroach in our bed (sob!) and a scorpion over the door.

This morning we found everything covered in mud, and puddles all over the floor. We had about three inches of mud in front of the house.

I appreciate that we get an especially sunny day today. I have all of our stuff hung out on the laundry lines drying.

But the rain cleans up the air and makes the mountain green again, and this morning we had a marching band pass in front of our house, so you know it's a good day.

A Fart Joke

As related to me by my brother-in-law, except in English:
(This is probably funnier if you know that all those words that aren't English are cities in Mexico.)


How do little girls fart?
Tepic.

How do grown women fart?
Torreon!

How do old grandmothers fart?
Oaxaca!!



That's all I've got for today, folks.

The Hell Out Of Dodge

We're moving. We're going to try living in Sayulita, Nayarit for a month. We've rented a little tiny studio-style casita with a palapa (thatched) roof. If we find work, we'll stay. If not... I don't know what we'll do. We move July 1st.

My hopes are high. Friends. Jobs. Community. No more gang bangers pulling guns on my husband.

I'm excited that when we walk around Sayulita no one stares at us. No one pays us any attention. Actually, they're kind of rude, and I prefer that to nosy san juanecos who stare at me every time I step outside my house.

We'll have the beach! Even if we're too poor to afford a coffee or a meal in a restaurant, we can still have somewhere to go. We can sit in the sand and watch the waves, or the surfers, or the sunset. This is way more than there is to do in San Juan. Stupid San Juan.

Mango season. Four kilos for 20 pesos! This is helping my mango-a-day commitment.

Not living with the in-laws. While I think I'm going to miss some of my in-laws quite a lot, I am excited to finally have our own place again. I look forward to being able to operate on my own schedule (well, Hanix's, really) instead of everyone else's. Here, for example, no one eats lunch until the men come home from work (or drinking) and decide they're ready. This could be any time between 1:00 and 4:00. I think that's shitty, because I don't like being kept from my food, and I look forward to eating meals whenever I want. (Of course, without mother-in-law around I'll probably be eating a lot more cereal and a lot less of her good cooking. But we'll see. Maybe I'll surprise us.)

Of course, I'm scared about having no help whatsoever, since I don't know anyone there. Even though I'm with Hanix almost all the time, I do occasionally get a few minutes break here or there from a relative.

I'm scared we'll find no work and won't be able to afford the higher prices.

I'm scared Hernan or Hanix won't handle the heat or the humidity, and Hernan will decide to move back to San Juan.

After almost two years of having no friends, I'm scared that maybe I'm actually some kind of antisocial freak who can't connect with anyone, and I'll find myself in a bush, stalking some nice-looking couple with a toddler. They'll discover me and make a scene, and it will ruin all my chances of ever having friends again. Ever. I'll die soon thereafter from a loneliness explosion.

What I REALLY hope happens is that Hernan and I will both make friends, and some of those friends will even enjoy mixed interactions, you know, men AND women, hanging out TOGETHER. And maybe a few of them will even be atheists like us. And maybe a few of them will play board games. And maybe a few of them will have kids too, and Hanix can have play dates, and we'll swap child care sometimes. And maybe we'll get really great jobs. And maybe I'll win the lottery and take up surfing. And I'll become bff with dolphins and sea turtles. And when we walk to the plaza everyone will break out in song and dance and small children will throw ribbons and flowers in the air, and somehow everyone's wearing matching sequined outfits and headbands and is singing on key and the birds are singing and the street dogs play piccolos and a kindly gentleman offers us lemonade and the sun smiles at us all.

I'll let you know how it goes.